How to Win an Election in 18 Easy Steps (Republican Edition):

1. Start by choosing candidates who have failed to win over 50% of the elections they've participated in... even within their own party.
2. Make sure that your candidate's income is so extravagant and secretive that it will be seen as a symbol of their "down home, just like you" personality.
3. Buy the voting machines.
4. Eliminate voting for people who may or may not be "eligible" to vote in our nation's "exclusive democracy".
5. Back up your wishy-washy candidate of last resort with a vice candidate who is best known for a legislative failure regarding the budget.
6. Ignore the media. Tell everyone that all media is against your candidates from the outset and nothing they read from any source will ever be truly true.
7. Make sure that women, gays, blacks, hispanics, religions or other minorities are alienated within the ranks of your party to the greatest degree possible.
8. Promise to stay focused on the economy when America has a bad economy. If that economy should happen to improve on any level, switch focus to "Muslim Terrorists" because that's a perennial winner for our side.
9. Switch your official campaign slogan as often as possible to keep everybody guessing.
10. Kiss up to the Queen of England because she just loves it when people imply that she shares their racist point of view.
11. Ignore the polls - polls are never accurate unless 100% of the respondents are from states whose names begin with the letter K.
12. Have your candidate deny his own religion and make sure that even the only minority to which he is a member is ultimately thrown under the bus in the end.
13. Defend your candidate with an army of has-been celebrities, strippers, porn stars, vegas casino tycoons and racist "reality TV" personalities.
14. Interrupt women at every opportunity and give them the "3rd Wife" treatment.
15. Assume that every veteran and every member of the armed forces is automatically on your side. After all, they take a pledge to uphold the Republican Party, don't they?
16. Do everything your father would be ashamed of you for.
17. Rely most heavily on Fox News as your "think tank" du jour and try not to think about the idea that they will only be successful in the media marketplace if your opponent retains his office and they have a "boogeyman" to sell.
18. When all else fails, which is known to happen as long as there is a black democratic President at the helm of your campaign, rig the machines... This will be easy since you bought the machines in step 3.

~ written by known communist and gay muslim sympathizer, Jarrett Terrill for FloridaSqueezed.com